Anxiety is hard. It affects my life. This post talks about what anxiety means to me.

This is going to be quite an honest account by me.

*Disclaimer* None of the things I am going to write about are rational. I know this, yet it is sometimes physically impossible to stop my brain thinking about it, and then worrying about it.

Some of you may get it, some may not, but I’m grateful for you spending the time reading about it. If you have been suffering in silence than I want you to know that there are many people just like us. Maybe this post will help you come to terms with that.

As mentioned above, anxiety for me is NOT rational in any way shape or form.

Oh my god. The amount of times I tell myself and other people this can get tiresome. Luckily the people around me know I need to talk about it. I repeat myself quite often, especially in my head.

But I am acutely aware of it too. I worry about my heart and palpitations. I worry about money (not so much anymore) even though there is no need to. I worry about the thing I said to someone last week and feel the need to apologise immediately to ease my anxiety. This is even when I know rationally I’ve done nothing wrong.

Sometimes these feelings snowball in my head and get bigger and bigger. I tell you its ridiculous! That direct debit that didn’t come out yesterday suddenly leads to thoughts like “Okay it’s not come out. That means bank charges. That means taking money I might not have. What if the company don’t get my payment and they start calling me? Maybe that’s why I keep getting unknown calls to me phone and I haven’t realised. What if my credit rating is affected? I want to get a mortgage but all this is not helping!”

That is literally exactly what goes through my head in most situations. So stupid I know.

Anxiety can make me become a bit obsessive.

Not OCD, but it can get silly and I know it. I’m talking things like replying to a message. Re-reading the message to make sure the right meaning is given just in case I missed it the first time. Then sending another message to correct the implication of my last message. Then keep checking for a reply so I can reply straight back in case I upset the person.

This process also happens in conversation too. I find myself stuttering, repeating myself and/or sitting in silence for long periods of time processing every aspect of my life. I process conversations that also may have offended someone. I am SO obsessed with making people happy that I worry at every moment when I said the wrong thing. I’m talking things that have happened weeks/months ago.

The obsessive aspect also spreads into daily jobs too. When I’m at work and I’m processing whatever it is I’m processing, I can check something 5-6 times just in case I do the wrong thing. I am terrified of doing something wrong that I repeatedly check my work to make sure it’s correct. I’m constantly checking for feedback (good and bad) to make sure I’m doing it right. Sometimes to the annoyance of my colleagues.

Anxiety can and has deeply affected my self confidence.

I’ve always been shy. I’m much less shy now but I have a lot of self confidence issues. When I’m given compliments I think the person is joking. Good feedback just floats right over my head. I am extremely critical on myself and give myself a hard time at every occasion.

I struggle with busy places now due to the sheer number of people there. I was always the one who was out and encouraging everyone else to join me. I loved it. Now though, I hardly ever go out and I have to get quite a few drinks down me to start to relax. This is where my issue with drinking came from i think.

My comfort zone is well and truly one the sofa/in the bed at home. At any opportunity I will happily stay at home. Honestly a lot of people don’t recognise my lifestyle anymore. I’ve completely changed!

I apologise – A LOT. I feel like such a bother a lot of the time too.

You’ll never know the amount of times I’ve been told to stop apologising for everything. It falls out of my mouth though even before I realise it! I apologise for things that may or may not be my fault. But to me it’s easier to just say it now than the possibility of the other person thinking me rude for not.

When I do have issues that I need help with, I can’t talk about it easily because I know everyone else has their own issues. I feel like such a pain when talking about my problems that most of the time it’s easier not saying anything at all. Why would someone want to hear about MY problems? It just adds extra burden onto their shoulders.

No amount of people telling me they care and want to help will make it any easier. If you are one of these then I’m sorry! Most of the time there is nothing you can do.

Having anxiety is a very lonely experience.

Finally, before I met my other half I was lonely. I went out with friends but they couldn’t be around me all of the time. The times I was on my own sometimes physically hurt for the pain anxiety gave me. Having people around me kept the thoughts at bay and kept me busy.

Talking about anxiety is still very difficult. Putting on a brave face all of the time is exhausting. All I want to do is hide away and not face anything. When I do talk about my issues it doesn’t even make me feel better. It’s mentally exhausting so I tend to avoid it.

However, I do have a really great bunch of friends who have helped. My family are also massively supportive and I’m thankful to each and every one of you.

If any of this resonates within you and you want to talk – PLEASE get in touch. Sometimes talking to someone other than your family/friends can be a great help too. 

I cannot and will not judge. If I judge then I must judge myself (which is scary so I won’t be I promise).

Email me at Even if you just want to share – I’m all ears!

Here are some more posts written by me which you might find useful:

The reasons why being organised beats anxiety

15 amazing resources to help your inner anxiousness

A letter to my younger self…

Bye for now!


18 comments on “What Anxiety Means To Me and Why It Sucks a Little!”

  1. I can relate to this article in so many ways. I also know my thoughts are irrational but that does not seem to stop them. Someone recently told me, and I have found it to be true, that anxiety does not change the outcome of any situation. Instead it is just wasteless worry. I am trying to remember this as I go through each day.

  2. I have been diagnosed with severe anxiety and panic disorder and am on meds. I can relate to so many of these. I hope that you feel better and find the support you need.

    • Thanks Kathryn, I hope you are doing okay? Anxiety is something I wouldn’t wish on anyone to be honest. Thanks for the nice words though, this blog is really helping – it’s almost therapeutic. I hope everything is going okay with you.

    • Hi Ronda – I know it is exhausting isn’t it! It’s impossible to even stop as well, I just want to stop being tired! Thanks for commenting though, it is nice knowing it’s not just me. I know it’s completely irrational but knowing people are like me makes me feel a little less insane haha.

  3. Thanks for your honesty and for sharing. Many of those things resonate. One of the things that helps me when I am feeling anxious is reminding myself that I need to ‘stay in the moment’ and try not to expend energy worrying about things that might never come to pass, ‘Do not worry about tomorrow…’

    Great blog by the way. I am excited that you are a fellow Nottingham Blogger who loves organising and being frugal!

  4. took the words right out of my mouth! Thanks for such an honest post. I have been so secretive about my anxiety for years and it was just within the last 3-4 years that I’ve finally learned to accept it and be more open about it. Learning to accept what I have was a big step for me to finally having the courage to find solutions and ask for help

    • Hi Glenny. Anxiety can make you secretive, I used to lie about it all the time so I wouldn’t have to explain myself! I’m glad you’ve been able to accept it more and cope better – I think that is part of recovery really! Keep it up Glenny – it sounds like your doing great 🙂

  5. I hear you! I have lots of anxiety and it just gets worse when I’m totally stressed out and when I’m pregnant as well. When I tell myself it’s not rational and try to calm down, it seems that it makes it worse. Then I stress about being too anxious and what if what if what if and start fixating even more so on the thing that I’m being anxious about. Thanks for the posts at the end, the 15 resources posts looks very helpful! I’m off to do research. 🙂

  6. YES! Gosh. I have recently started blogging about my anxiety and have been looking for other bloggers like you : ) Thank you for being brave, because I totally get how hard it is to put all this out there. BUT we both know we are not alone!!

    • Hi Christina! Thanks for commenting, and for the positive words! Writing about it is definitely hard but sometimes it’s quite a relief getting it out there! I’m always grateful when meeting others in my position so thank you 🙂

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